My Incompetent Cervix Pregnancy Journey

I had my weekly TVU today. My regular MFM was off so it was a different doctor. Baby still looks great, but once again I have lost length. My cervix is dynamic so she gave me both measurements (with and without pressure): 2.8cm down to 1.5cm. My regular MFM usually gives me the shortest length…so from last week, I’ve lost 0.5cm. This doctor also said I seem stable for now, not likely going to go into labour in the immediate future. I can truly no longer see how this pregnancy could possibly go full term…or even early term. I am 25+4 weeks today, and I am back to feeling like it’s just not far enough along. I’m desperately hoping to make it to 28 weeks now, so close yet so far away. I’ve one again lost all optimism and I worry that there will be complications and we will never get to bring our baby home. Feeling anxious and sad and blah. It is also looking like we will have to postpone our wedding at the end of July. Of course we will do what is best for baby but it’s just one more thing I won’t get to enjoy with this pregnancy that I was SO looking forward to. We have to decide by next week because my family is coming from out of province, I want to make sure to give them enough time to cancel their accommodations without penalty.

I’ve tried to find joy in this pregnancy with these new circumstances, but it is becoming harder and harder. The anxiety and fear seem to be controlling things and I’m just desperately trying to hold on for as long as possible. My mini goal is 26 weeks (luckily that is only 3 days away), first major goal is 28 weeks, and then I think it will go up in 2 week increments from there. I’ve had to give up a lot of the ‘normal pregnancy experience’…and since this will be my one and only pregnancy I am taking it a bit hard I think. I can’t go for nice walks, I can’t go visit my family, I’ve had to cancel my baby shower, cancel a night away my partner and I had planned, will more then likely postpone the wedding, can’t swim, can’t do prenatal yoga classes, visit farmers markets. I just feel so trapped. Im trying to keep my eye n the end goal for bringing home a healthy baby, that definitely helps. My doctor did clear me for pregnancy massages, so at least I can indulge in that once a month for however long this pregnancy decides to last. I just so wish I got even a few parts of the pregnancy I was hoping for.

Next ultrasound is next Friday.