My Incompetent Cervix Pregnancy Journey

I had my 24 week MFM anatomy scan today (even though I’m 23+4 today), as well as a check up on my cervix.
The anatomy scan went great! Baby looks excellent and is measuring in the 54th percentile. My cervix on the other hand has progressed…it is now measuring 2.3cm. So I’ve lost 0.3cm in 9 days. I’ve left the ‘Borderline Short Cervix’ camp and jumped into the ‘Short Cervix’ camp. No change in funnelling or dilation, which is good (still mild for both). I am to stay on the 200mg progesterone suppositories, he does not recommend the cerclage because I’m still well above 1cm (plus my history of bleeding and spotting in early pregnancy, he worries about infection). If it happens to get dangerously low then I will be admitted to hospital for closer monitoring, otherwise I just keep doing what I’m doing: strict pelvic rest and modified bedrest.

I’m not feeling great about it…sad, anxious for sure, but mostly just down (maybe a little bit of temporary depression). I want to lie in bed and not talk to anyone or do anything (the latter probably being the best thing for me anyway). I know there is a chance I can make it to full term, or almost full term…but there is a very real possibility of preterm birth. I’m grateful to be at almost 24 weeks, but I am SO scared of him coming before 30 weeks (though ideally he will wait until at least 34 weeks)

I feel helpless…I wish there was something more I could do that would ensure he stays in there as long as possible. I have to pack a hospital bag now, at almost 24 weeks…not even in the third trimester yet.. just in case I go into labour early. I hate that I have to do that. I hate that I can’t walk up the street to the Sunday Farmer’s Market. I hate that I can’t swim. I hate that I can’t go home to visit family (2 hour plane ride). I hate that I now feel like I have to fight for every day, every week…and that every week I get through will be considered a triumph. Yes, getting through one more week will feel great, but I can no longer look down the line to around my due date as expected arrival. I have to look to each Sunday when a new pregnancy week starts for me and be grateful that I’ve made it that far, that he has been able to develop his lungs or brain just that little bit more in case he comes early, giving him that little bit extra chance of survival and slightly lessening potential health challenges.

I just can’t find the optimism right now. I can’t see the possibility of making it far enough along. I am so worried about losing him, making it as far as I make it and never being able to bring him home. I know I need to think positive, be optimistic, get through one day at a time- but in this moment, right now, I can’t. I’m sure in the coming days I’ll go back to slight optimism…really hoping I start getting excited with each passing week.

I’ll end it here. I’ll try for a more upbeat post next time.